I sit her writing to you, playing Football Manager, listening to Threads by Now,Now with my dog sitting between my legs. I am in my room, alone...I've been alone pretty much all afternoon. My mum and her husband are here but, we haven't spoke much, utterances here and there. I don't hate social interaction, some would say, I'm actually the life of the party when I'm in my groove. Throwing out jokes as if I was Robin Hood and I have returned from my latest conquest. To be honest, this doesn't happen much, I tend to keep myself to myself. Moreover, when I was at working at a secondary school, as a teacher...Yep... I was in a crowd of people, all of them friendly enough with conversation or, what passes for conversation between a 43 year old father and a 23 year old nomad. I managed to keep the conversation flowing. Though I may not have a lot in common with 40 somethings, I have intelligence on a various amount of topics to satisfy the need of talking during breaks and whatnots. Even at clubs or, in the middle of an oil orgy, where I actually enjoy being, I tend to feel alone and thoroughly bored. This raises the question, am I lonely or, do I prefer being alone?
Ever since one was a tall child, I've really enjoyed sitting by myself, not doing anything in particular. It's not as though my head was enthused deeply into something that I wouldn't respond to anyone, It's just, I suppose, if someone goes into their space, with their door closed people would assume, they want to be alone. They are therefore known as shun-ins, anti social, why? I just don't really enjoy talking for the sake of it. I enjoy reasoning and rationales. I'm not going to go to the kitchen and begin talking about whether the sausages are cooked properly, why should I? Not to appear anti social? What's the reason behind that exactly? People have become so afraid of silence as if it were a taboo. We condition ourselves to have conversation, rather than listen to just our own generous heart beating...perish the thought!
Amongst foes, admirers, friends, family or foes, animals and the occasional Maltese person my feelings of loneliness tend to differ. As I said previously, I am sitting with my dog, he listens and doesn't say stupid things...the perfect person. At family gatherings, I tend to go within myself. My girlfriend says it's because, I'm not giving them a chance to get to know me is the reason why, I stay quiet and don't talk to me. My response is given with 23 years of experience behind it. They've know me, they bare me for my mothers sake and utter the same old questions. You understand Maltese but don't speak it right? When are you going to stop growing? Those two questions fucking haunt me. You'd think being conditioned small talk, one would be able to listen and be able to remember the answer the this question which, I have given on numerous occasion...Yep and I stopped when I was 18. People will say that is a blunt response to a friendly question I will retort with 23 years repeating myself.
Am I lonely or, do I want to be alone?
When I am alone, am I lonely? When I am lonely, am I alone?
You must love your own company before you are able to accept anyone else's in saying that, being on your own sometimes, brings out the worse in you. You start thinking all kinds of heinous thoughts. I've had those heinous thoughts, even acted on them a couple of times. That being said, I will never bow down to social, family pressure .
I am alone right now, I am happy. I hope when reading this, you are just happy, whether it's alone or with a loved one. Whether you are an introvert/extrovert, love being bombarded by harassing pop ups on Facebook or texts. Or, like me, have turned your phone off and are just browsing the net without intention. I implore you, think about that when you are around people, if you are being forced to be around people to speak. Conversely, just being given shit because you are alone in your room a lot. Am I lonely because I am alone or, do I just want to be alone?
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